Social media allows us to be both connected and distant. This is a beautiful thing if you are raising children across the country from your friends and family. But, it has proven disastrous for interacting with people who are (religiously, ethnically, culturally, politically) different from you.

Social media creates the allusion of relationship while providing the emotional distance that prevents true understanding from developing. It is this emotional distance that allows people to share, post, tweet and like an ideology that would never be uttered to a person’s face.

When the internet becomes our primary means of interacting with the “Others” we lose something. It is more than just our civility that we lose, it runs deeper than that. We lose a piece of our humanity.

We live in an age where a wealth of (mis)information is available to us in isolation. We no longer need the first-hand experience of an Other to form an opinion. Everything I need to know is a Google search away. Sadly, I do not think this is a trend we can walk back.

So, what is our way forward?

Here is what I propose and am trying to practice with our family. Instead of lamenting our current condition, let’s use it to our advantage. Instead of using our keyboards to lob bombs, let’s do a little research…

Identifying the Others

Who are the Others in your life – the people who because of their heritage, choices or experiences are different than you? What are the monikers that have been applied to them? Are they gay? Right-winged? Black? Maybe they are liberal, evangelical or agnostic.

Who are their heroes and icons? What do your Others love? What do they fear? What causes spur them to action?

Some of us may have a hard time answering those questions. If all we know of our Others is their caricature it is likely that our perception of them will be distorted. How do we begin to remedy this problem?

Engaging the Others

We can start by reading the Others authors, listening to the Others music, investigating the Others art. What themes appear in these cultural artifacts? What do the Others say about themselves?

It is ok to read, listen, and consume information that you disagree with. In fact, it is necessary.

A mind needs intellectual conflict to refine and cast light and shadow on our own belief system. It is ok if you don’t like it. It is ok if it makes you uncomfortable. It is ok if you still disagree. The process is extraordinarily valuable.

But it is not enough.

If we stop here, all we have done is replaced secondary sources with primary sources. A positive step forward, but research alone is not enough to develop brotherly affection for our Others.

Once you have conducted your investigation, its time to have dinner with each together.

It is impossible to develop compassion and understanding for people that you do not draw near to. Doing this well requires being very intentional. Most of us by nature flock towards people who are like us. To develop relationships with people different than us requires that we seek them out, befriend them and make it a priority to spend time together.

This becomes much easier if you have a working knowledge of the Others culture and values. It gives you a place to start from. Ask questions and listen (without preparing a rebuttal). This is the beginning of dialogue and true understanding and perhaps…. gasp…. friendship. ???

There is perhaps, one prerequisite before this type of relationship can be developed. Before we can hope to engage and understand our Others, we have to come to the realization that we may not be 100% right about everything. Someone else’s background and reality may have contributed to a different worldview that could contain merit and truth. We need a modicum of humility first before we can hope to look, listen and feel long enough to experience it.